Controversial but I don't care.

I sit at my computer with tears pouring down my face as a look through pictures of Matt. He has been gone for over a month now and for some reason today the emotions came pouring in full swing. He has not left my mind for the past two days. I listened to one of his favorite songs, Dream On by Aerosmith and lost it. I have had mixed emotions since Matt left our earth. Part of my thinks it is for the better, his demons are crushed, they no longer haunt him.  Every little thing in life, things that give us happiness and strength to go on were tainted for him. He suffered from a horrible addition. There are people out there that think because he "chose" this life that it is his fault, it is without a doubt his fault but that doesn't make it any easier on the rest of here left on earth to go on. A drug addict, I get to these words and lose it, it hurts to write it. I would give just about anything to have him gone for another reason. I hurt more inside because he couldn't enjoy life day to day like you are supposed to. I remember Matt's crazy loud laugh and his hugs that lasted forever. The last time I saw him, a few months before he passed away he hugged me and wouldn't let go, he was anything but gentle with his hugs too. At the time I thought it was just another hug.  We talked about our kids and told each other we loved each other. Most people think as an addict he was passed our drooling on himself daily, you are wrong. If you had seen Matt at one of his favorite places to crash you would have seen a very involved cousin, brother or whatever he was to you. Kids LOVED him. he chased Ryleigh and Devan the last time we saw him demanding they tell him who he was to them, and they did because you never forgot him once you met him. He was one of the most compassionate people on earth, he had no issues telling each and every one of us what we meant to him. He wanted our approval. One late night on facebook I received a personal message from Matt telling me what a good mother I was, he told me how much he loved me. I was was happy and sad at the same time, I told him I loved him too and told him that I was no better of a person them he was.  Facebook has a way of portraying life as perfect and mine is anything but. I pictured him depressed feeling bad about himself as a person wishing for what I had. We all wanted it for him.  I have wonderful memories of our childhood. I will forever hold those memories close to my heart, they say cousins are your first true best friends and they are right. I love him. Judge go ahead and judge, put him down as a person, a son, a cousin a father. He doesn't need your approval he has ours. I will never go a day without feeling bad for not having him be a bigger part of my adult life. The thought of us never sharing a PBR makes me cry, actually the last two days anything does because I miss him, his smile, his hugs and just knowing he isnt here with us. We choose our life but I can't help think that certain paths lead us to where we go, guidance, examples, these all play a part. In the end he is at fault for his death, for leaving his daughter and unborn child without a father. He left my brother without a best friend, his mother without a son, Amber without her true love and some of his favorite people with broken hearts and if you knew him you would know this is all because this world was too much for his heart. He was born as innocent as you, as your children, completely uncorrupted at birth. By example and choices you end up leading the life you live. Drugs have always been a part of his life. Jail, bad choices, were all normal. His mother loved him to the moon and back and tried her best to give him a good and she did, she was in his corner from day one.  He went through times with no drugs and lived like you and me, but there was always that demon living deep inside him.  He had talked about rehab, he wanted it, he was scared. Maine's rehab options are completely ridiculous. He went through Maines program, he wrote beautiful poems to his daughter Kaylah, his mother and about his addiction while in rehab.  Matt spent the past summer with friends and family the way I wish he could have forever, this fall things fell apart for him again. Not using drugs was not a good enough accomplishment for him. He felt like a failure, to himself, like he let himself down. He loved my brother and his family with his whole heart, he spent part of the summer with them living life like it should be lived. His body was falling apart from use of abuse and his mind was suffering, too proud to seek help, he thought getting a daily pill was no better, he wanted to beat his addiction on his own, beating your addiction doesn't just mean time without using, it means going through your darkest times without drugs and that he couldn't do. I miss him so very much. I know it is hard to believe to someone on the outside but he had the biggest heart and we miss it. Imagine loving someone so much and giving up on them because they are lost, it's not that easy. The next time you think, what a piece of shit just remember their road was probably a lot different than yours. Matt and Kristi raised a beautiful daughter Kaylah Shane, she is so smart and beautiful. Matt couldn't understand Kristi's decision to leave at the time but you can bet he called her and thanked her for being there for Kaylah, for being a good mom. He kept in touch with Kristi and his ex Emily, he would call them from time to time to check in because he didn't put his heart into something to forget about it down the road. Kaylah was always a part of his life, he would take her for the weekend and live life as it should have been lived everyday. We will never know how hard he fought those addictions for those times with Kaylah.  He tried with his whole heart to do the right thing.  If he loved you he loved you.  He felt the monster returning and couldn't take it anymore and I can't make since of things like I wish I could. I am so sad that he turned back to the drugs and they took his life. I am sad we are all left here to miss him and to go on, but most of all I am sad that he couldn't be here without an addiction to know what life was really like. When you turn to drugs in your teens you need to know that it will be with you your whole life. I picture him in heaven looking down happy as can be, he is not looking at life through a fog anymore, he has a clear mind, I guess he was never meant to while on earth.  Matts family was so important to him, he made sure to have a relationship with all of his cousins nieces and nephews, he sat through school plays, games, birthday parties, I guess the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around his how to you go from being a great family person and being completely normal to back to drugs. If you ever met him you wouldn't have known about his addiction. He wouldn't have brought it around your family, he brought good wherever he went.   I don't feel much  better after this post. I am still confused and broken hearted. It sucks and negativity from the outside, yeah that helps. Like we should all suffer a little more, because losing someone who means the world to so many isn't enough.

Mum and Matt Thankgiving, Way back when.

He he he

Matt and I playing scrabble

Matt, Amber and Kaylah

He wasn't drinking a $17.00 drink without a picture.

Miss him.

Kaylah Shane, Looks like her Daddy.

She is such a special girl

Matt and Kaiden

Love this.

Be gentle with your words, in the end, yes he chose his life and you can think what you want about him. Think he is horrible for leaving us all here without him, if you knew him you wouldn't have hate you would just be sad. You would have known it was out of his power to overcome his addictions without more help.


My conversation with Matt, I never want to lose this.

Matt: whats up hun i'm prob goin to have a b-day party for kaylah next week end if you wanted to bring the girls she turned 11 this is goin tooooo fast i told her to slow the hell down hope all is well with you and your love ya and hope to see you all soon i know we don't get to see eachother that much

Me: No one in this family is very good at getting together : / Where is Kaylah's b day going to be? I would love to go, I miss her tons. She is such a beautiful girl I would love to see you too it has been too long. I miss you Matt I am happy we get to stay in touch now even if it is mostly on facebook.

Matt: i miss you all to and i want our kids to know one and other like we did when we were kids it will prob be at my moms just something small but thats what she said she wanted so thats what she will get but i will let you know it all when i figure it all out. love and miss ya love to see you,  your girls are so beautiful just like there mother and your doin the best job with them

Me: Thanks Matt! I am not the best but I love them and I try. Facebook has a way of portraying life more perfect then it is lol. I want the kids to know each other too, it's important. I cherish the memories we have as kids. I think about you often and wish the best for you, you are a great person Matt. I will definitely try to make it to kaylah's party, thanks for thinking of me. The girls love to party so they will be excited. I can't believe she is 11 ... time flies way to fast. Crazy

Matt:  YOUR THE BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD DON'T EVER THINK ANY DIFFRENT LOVE YA

Me:  Thanks Matt I am excited and can't wait to see everyone! LOVE YA TOO

Matt: goodnight hun

Me: Night