Identity Theft

We have been having some identify issues lately. These issues come and go and it is ALWAYS Devan who takes the blunt. My heart hurts for her. We have the, you are you nobody else be yourself, talk all the time but I guess you can't help what you don't know. The girls are fraternal twins, this has not been proven scientifically but we assume. There is a chance they are identical, if the egg splits within 24 hours of being fertilized then identical twins can have separate sacs and placentas, which the girls had. I look at them now and think no way they are identical, however their baby pictures, unless the picture is labeled I have not a clue. They look just enough alike where people who don't know them well can't tell them apart. Kids at school are fascinated with them being twins. There are several sets of twins in their school. There is a set that look JUST alike and others say mine look more alike than those girls. I guess we are all confused. My poor little Devan wants so much to NOT be like her sister. She wants to be known as Devan. She is so persuasive. One day she is all dresses and sometimes it last months, then there are times when it is a plain shirt and jeans for weeks. She does back and forth. The bottom line, she likes to be girly but HATES it when her friends and others tell her she looks or dresses like her sister.  Poor kid. She has worn fake glasses EVERY SINGLE DAY since before Christmas because nobody ever mistakes her. Don't get me wrong she loves her sister so very much, she likes being a twin but she is struggling.  The other day in the bathroom while combing out their obnoxiously uncooperative hair, I told them they were getting cuts, especially if we were going to Florida this year. Ry instantly said she didn't want her hair cut, she wanted it long. I made the mistake of telling her she had to put in a bigger effort of doing her hair if she wanted it long. AHHHHH, every day she half combs it out and puts it in a low ponytail. The top of her hair is rarely ever combed. Devan said eh, I don't care. I have always kept their hair the same way. As for clothes they have a lot of similar pieces but don't really wear them at the same time. The funny thing is once in a while they come out dressed the same. More so in the summer when they are around people who can tell them apart.

Last night I had a genius idea! I asked Devan if she could get her hair different from sissy ANYWAY she wanted, what would you pick?  She opted for the bob type cut they had in kindergarten that was chin length. She followed her request with, "when are we doing this, this weekend?"

This is a big step for me, I hope I am not to blame with her stressing out over her identity. I am not a twin so I don't know what it was like. Ever since I was a little girl I talked about wanting twins. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Twin girls, I am a lucky Momma for sure, not just because of them being twins but how awesome they both are. The older they get the more the whole twin things fades anyway, yes they are twins and will always will be but the attention they get from it fades.

SO, I plan on making Devan an appt for this afternoon if I can, for a short cut. I'm excited. I think she is going to have enough hair to donate to locks of love too! her hair is sooo long right now. Eeeek I don't know who is more excited, me or her.


Here she is with her haircut back in Kindergarten :) So CUTE. It fits her well.

Devan on the right in BLUE of course.

Busy weeks.

This post starts with I JUST CLEANED MY WHOLE HOUSE SPIC AND SPAN. This was no biggie at one point in time when it was always clean. Chris actually had to have a talk with my about being the only one who cleans.  I listened while busting a gut on the inside. Sorry Dear. In the end I have stepped up a little. He sounded like such a housewife though. He was said "I feel like all I ever do it clean and nobody else contributes" HA I guess I will count my lucky stars for all his help and lend a hand now and then.

I want to be able to relax a little more on the weekends and have fun so a clean house I will have on Friday.

The weeks are busy but not like they once were. I fear this may be coming though. I have an AWESOME schedule. I work Monday from 7:45 to 5:00 5:30 or sometimes even later. No biggie Chris gets the kids off the bus on Monday's. Tues - Fri I work from 7:45 - 3:00. The girls are in the before school program so I drop them off at 7:30 and FLY from Warren to Rockport to be at work by 7:45. I leave at 3:00 and meet the bus at 3:35ish. Works wonderful. I have been on the other side of this marvelous schedule and I wont lie it SUCKS, A LOT.

In Kindergarten  I dropped the girls off at the school at 7:30 and picked them up at 5:30. I drove 45 minutes each day to Belfast for work. They were exhausted to say the least. I LOVED my job and the provider that I worked for but it just wasn't working. I had mom guilt like you wouldn't believe. So I got a job at Penbay and my schedule changed for WAY better.  Most Medical Assistant's in our office work from 7:30 - 5:30 four days a week. I fear that is where my schedule is heading. Chris and I have talked several times about my schedule and agree that I need to be flexible and available for the girls where he is on swing shift. The only problem is finding something that works around his schedule. IMPOSSIBLE.  I am still working on that one, but it's stressful because I fear if my schedule changes I wont be able to find work. To top it off after school care is about $300.00 more than we are paying a month which basically doesn't make it worth it.

I feel like a lost soul lately, I have been thinking about career options, doing something I love and just living for me as a person. Time, there is never enough time. I rarely put myself first, it's all about the kids all the time. With Chris's schedule we never get time together to do things as a couple. This year I want to change a few things and really live life because it is too short.

Goals for this year. The biggest is having more fun Live life a little, more times with friends, family and doing things for ME as well as my children. Memories, creating plenty. Becoming more active. FIVE, 5k's between now and next winter. Find a path of happiness in a job and jump on track to enjoy working every day. BLOG a lot. Print some pictures and plaster my walls with those I love. Be a better friend. I am going to live and love like I don't know when my sand will run out because, we don't know. Also cutting back on things we don't need. I plan to use my blog more than facebook. BE happy and keep my battitude in check. Be proud of me. Life is too short.

 So I don't really know what is to come if any changes at all. I feel like my life is on pause. I never have REALLY pushed myself to accomplish what I want in life and for years haven't thought about what I want in life. I hope I can look back at this post in a year and see a lot of changes for the better. 

 

Weekend shenanigans

The girls and I had a great weekend l, Chris was on twelve hour night shifts all weekend.

On Saturday the girls and I went to Randi's for the morning. Coffee, baby snuggles, Mario, and great company. That afternoon Sarah and Levi came over for the night. I rarely get to see my ADORABLE little nephew so this visit excited me beyond belief. We went out to eat at Applebee's and Sarah was a bit excited to say the least to enjoy a meal while I took care of the baby. She litteraly ordered herseld a serloin and eyed me from across the table and said "Are you OK with him, because I plan on enjoying this meal" I replied with "I got this, eat up" and that is when the little stinker fussed when I put him in his seat. I ate one handed with a baby in my lap for the first time in a LONG time. I fear I am losing my touch though, I forgot how to feed a baby and couldn't get the darn carseat in it's base for the life of me. If you know me then you are thinking, really?   We headed home to have a dance party. It was so cute to watch the girls bust a move ;) They normally listen to country because they often listen on their tablets,  they ALAWYS have music playing. and country music makes me feel like they won't be completely corrupted. New hip and newer music they listen to once in a while in the car but I'm picky. For reasons like, "Hey Mom, this lady on the wrecking ball looks like she is naked" I replied with "yeah she has underpants on girls"  Some of these songs these days are awful.  I had no idea, or the girls for that matter, that they can dance. It was so cute. Ry said "I'm so glad my Dad is not here, I would be so embarrassed"  what a fun night. The next morning Sarah and Levi headed home and the girls and I headed outside to play in the snow.  We walked into the woods, less than a half mile from our house there is a beautufil trail in the woods.  We love to explore and go four wheeling, we can get to the pond on the snowmobile, or just take walks. My plan was to go on a signifigant walk pulling the girls in their sled. That is when I thought, if we run into a bear, it will most likely be hungry. I should have at the very least brought the dog. We only walked a bit longer before heading back home. BUT while we were out in the woods we took in the beautiful world. I love weekends with family time! I loved getting to see my sister and nephew, I hope to spend some time soon with my brother and his wife (also my BFF) I usually go there for the night because spending a few hours with my nieces and nephews once or twice every couple months just isn't enough. Our family certainly is not perfect but we definitely love each other and want to be big parts of each others lives. I loved watching Ry scoot closer to Sarah on the couch and look at her like she thought she was so cool , the girls love their auntie so much. My heart is happy now.

Controversial but I don't care.

I sit at my computer with tears pouring down my face as a look through pictures of Matt. He has been gone for over a month now and for some reason today the emotions came pouring in full swing. He has not left my mind for the past two days. I listened to one of his favorite songs, Dream On by Aerosmith and lost it. I have had mixed emotions since Matt left our earth. Part of my thinks it is for the better, his demons are crushed, they no longer haunt him.  Every little thing in life, things that give us happiness and strength to go on were tainted for him. He suffered from a horrible addition. There are people out there that think because he "chose" this life that it is his fault, it is without a doubt his fault but that doesn't make it any easier on the rest of here left on earth to go on. A drug addict, I get to these words and lose it, it hurts to write it. I would give just about anything to have him gone for another reason. I hurt more inside because he couldn't enjoy life day to day like you are supposed to. I remember Matt's crazy loud laugh and his hugs that lasted forever. The last time I saw him, a few months before he passed away he hugged me and wouldn't let go, he was anything but gentle with his hugs too. At the time I thought it was just another hug.  We talked about our kids and told each other we loved each other. Most people think as an addict he was passed our drooling on himself daily, you are wrong. If you had seen Matt at one of his favorite places to crash you would have seen a very involved cousin, brother or whatever he was to you. Kids LOVED him. he chased Ryleigh and Devan the last time we saw him demanding they tell him who he was to them, and they did because you never forgot him once you met him. He was one of the most compassionate people on earth, he had no issues telling each and every one of us what we meant to him. He wanted our approval. One late night on facebook I received a personal message from Matt telling me what a good mother I was, he told me how much he loved me. I was was happy and sad at the same time, I told him I loved him too and told him that I was no better of a person them he was.  Facebook has a way of portraying life as perfect and mine is anything but. I pictured him depressed feeling bad about himself as a person wishing for what I had. We all wanted it for him.  I have wonderful memories of our childhood. I will forever hold those memories close to my heart, they say cousins are your first true best friends and they are right. I love him. Judge go ahead and judge, put him down as a person, a son, a cousin a father. He doesn't need your approval he has ours. I will never go a day without feeling bad for not having him be a bigger part of my adult life. The thought of us never sharing a PBR makes me cry, actually the last two days anything does because I miss him, his smile, his hugs and just knowing he isnt here with us. We choose our life but I can't help think that certain paths lead us to where we go, guidance, examples, these all play a part. In the end he is at fault for his death, for leaving his daughter and unborn child without a father. He left my brother without a best friend, his mother without a son, Amber without her true love and some of his favorite people with broken hearts and if you knew him you would know this is all because this world was too much for his heart. He was born as innocent as you, as your children, completely uncorrupted at birth. By example and choices you end up leading the life you live. Drugs have always been a part of his life. Jail, bad choices, were all normal. His mother loved him to the moon and back and tried her best to give him a good and she did, she was in his corner from day one.  He went through times with no drugs and lived like you and me, but there was always that demon living deep inside him.  He had talked about rehab, he wanted it, he was scared. Maine's rehab options are completely ridiculous. He went through Maines program, he wrote beautiful poems to his daughter Kaylah, his mother and about his addiction while in rehab.  Matt spent the past summer with friends and family the way I wish he could have forever, this fall things fell apart for him again. Not using drugs was not a good enough accomplishment for him. He felt like a failure, to himself, like he let himself down. He loved my brother and his family with his whole heart, he spent part of the summer with them living life like it should be lived. His body was falling apart from use of abuse and his mind was suffering, too proud to seek help, he thought getting a daily pill was no better, he wanted to beat his addiction on his own, beating your addiction doesn't just mean time without using, it means going through your darkest times without drugs and that he couldn't do. I miss him so very much. I know it is hard to believe to someone on the outside but he had the biggest heart and we miss it. Imagine loving someone so much and giving up on them because they are lost, it's not that easy. The next time you think, what a piece of shit just remember their road was probably a lot different than yours. Matt and Kristi raised a beautiful daughter Kaylah Shane, she is so smart and beautiful. Matt couldn't understand Kristi's decision to leave at the time but you can bet he called her and thanked her for being there for Kaylah, for being a good mom. He kept in touch with Kristi and his ex Emily, he would call them from time to time to check in because he didn't put his heart into something to forget about it down the road. Kaylah was always a part of his life, he would take her for the weekend and live life as it should have been lived everyday. We will never know how hard he fought those addictions for those times with Kaylah.  He tried with his whole heart to do the right thing.  If he loved you he loved you.  He felt the monster returning and couldn't take it anymore and I can't make since of things like I wish I could. I am so sad that he turned back to the drugs and they took his life. I am sad we are all left here to miss him and to go on, but most of all I am sad that he couldn't be here without an addiction to know what life was really like. When you turn to drugs in your teens you need to know that it will be with you your whole life. I picture him in heaven looking down happy as can be, he is not looking at life through a fog anymore, he has a clear mind, I guess he was never meant to while on earth.  Matts family was so important to him, he made sure to have a relationship with all of his cousins nieces and nephews, he sat through school plays, games, birthday parties, I guess the hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around his how to you go from being a great family person and being completely normal to back to drugs. If you ever met him you wouldn't have known about his addiction. He wouldn't have brought it around your family, he brought good wherever he went.   I don't feel much  better after this post. I am still confused and broken hearted. It sucks and negativity from the outside, yeah that helps. Like we should all suffer a little more, because losing someone who means the world to so many isn't enough.

Mum and Matt Thankgiving, Way back when.

He he he

Matt and I playing scrabble

Matt, Amber and Kaylah

He wasn't drinking a $17.00 drink without a picture.

Miss him.

Kaylah Shane, Looks like her Daddy.

She is such a special girl

Matt and Kaiden

Love this.

Be gentle with your words, in the end, yes he chose his life and you can think what you want about him. Think he is horrible for leaving us all here without him, if you knew him you wouldn't have hate you would just be sad. You would have known it was out of his power to overcome his addictions without more help.


My conversation with Matt, I never want to lose this.

Matt: whats up hun i'm prob goin to have a b-day party for kaylah next week end if you wanted to bring the girls she turned 11 this is goin tooooo fast i told her to slow the hell down hope all is well with you and your love ya and hope to see you all soon i know we don't get to see eachother that much

Me: No one in this family is very good at getting together : / Where is Kaylah's b day going to be? I would love to go, I miss her tons. She is such a beautiful girl I would love to see you too it has been too long. I miss you Matt I am happy we get to stay in touch now even if it is mostly on facebook.

Matt: i miss you all to and i want our kids to know one and other like we did when we were kids it will prob be at my moms just something small but thats what she said she wanted so thats what she will get but i will let you know it all when i figure it all out. love and miss ya love to see you,  your girls are so beautiful just like there mother and your doin the best job with them

Me: Thanks Matt! I am not the best but I love them and I try. Facebook has a way of portraying life more perfect then it is lol. I want the kids to know each other too, it's important. I cherish the memories we have as kids. I think about you often and wish the best for you, you are a great person Matt. I will definitely try to make it to kaylah's party, thanks for thinking of me. The girls love to party so they will be excited. I can't believe she is 11 ... time flies way to fast. Crazy

Matt:  YOUR THE BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD DON'T EVER THINK ANY DIFFRENT LOVE YA

Me:  Thanks Matt I am excited and can't wait to see everyone! LOVE YA TOO

Matt: goodnight hun

Me: Night

This week

ITS FRIDAY :)  This excites me a lot today.


Last nights facebook post sums up how I feel about today,

I feel like the frikken little engine that could right now... I think I can I think I can ... Not like I have a choice or anything. Thank goodness for Friday! I am overwhelmed with anxiety over one more day of work for this week... Hence the little engine. I even bought new scrubs and despite my awesome new scrubs I still am dreading the day. I never even dreaded awful school when a new outfit was involved. Rant over, buck up.

I don't feel nearly as bad this morning as I did last night. 

Randi, Cody and Hailey came over for taco's last night. I love little breaks in life's fast pace, to focus on what really matters. Their company was truly appreciated, it can get lonely when Chris is on long 12 hour night shifts.  

I thought of an idea this morning, it hit me and I am so glad it did. I told the girls that they each get one day this summer to plan a day to do whatever they want. I quickly inserted no, Fun Town, Story Land or Fairs. I don't thoroughly enjoy these days like our days at the beach or parks. 

Devan picked going to Birch Point Beach for the day to explore. 

Ry picked Belfast, (candy store) the park and foot bridge. 

I am sure they will change their minds a time or two but I am looking forward to whatever they pick. 

I plan on exploring a few new places this year as well. My little ladies are getting bigger so jumping in the car and taking off is getting easier. Plus nine times out of ten I am with the girls myself because of Chris's crazy work schedule. Nights, days, nights days... random days off. 

Spring is a long time coming but it is next of mother natures agenda, even if it will take months to get there. 

Which brings me to running, (even though I am now late) OH well its Friday and I have an I don't care attitude, walk of shame, I am late today :) This is more important. 

I ran the other night, it was rough I wont lie. We have some "water" issues in our basement from all the thawing the last week or so. The water usually pools in one corner but it has made it's unwelcomed way over to my treadmill. I took the chances and ran anyway. I took of where I had left off over a month ago and well, I thought I was going to die, but I didn't stop. I had runners stitch in my side like I have never had, I held my side and breathed exercises that usually give me some relief. To top it off I was almost late picking up the girls at cheer and showed up at the school in workout attire, including a sports bra with my face red and covered from head to toe in sweat.... AND I didn't care.  I plan on running every night, that way if I miss a night it is no big deal. I ran two miles in 28 minutes, pretty pathetic considering my first 5k I finished in 29 minutes. Oh well, its not about the speed its about making healthy choices. I can't wait to run tonight. SPRING, oh I can't wait to hear nothing but nature and my feet hitting the pavement. Can't wait. I need to MAKE myself run outside the next seasonably warm day we have. 

The girls are getting ready for school as I type, its earl release and their Nanny is picking them up today, I just heard Devan say "fist pump me Ry, I'm so pumped"  HA HA HA. I love them. Now time to go...

Run Forest Run

My love hate relationship with running. Bottom line I LOVE the feeling I get from running, but the feeling I have before I make myself run is downright awful at times.  Recently I had started the 5Krunner app. totally kicks c25k’s butt. It is great. I was ¾ of the way through the app and never felt like I was going to die running. I am not really sure what happened but I fell off the wagon and once again, I am dreading starting back up again. Boo. 

 

I am not giving myself a choice though. I am signing up for the Color Run in June; the run benefits the Barbara Bush Children’s hospital. My Friend Sami’s little boy Garrett received excellent care there. Garrett finishes 40 weeks of chemo therapy this week! Go Garrett. Cancer free. Our team name is Garrett’s Crew!  Talk about running for a great cause! I have a goal this year of five 5k’s. I think, well I KNOW I can do it. I just have to want it bad enough to actually do it, and I do. Please stay motivated.

 

I always feel reluctant about putting my life of my blog. I got in my head somewhere along the road that this blog was for my girls. I want to print it and give them each a copy when they graduate high school. It is basically my way of bottling up my feelings and sharing them with them forever.  I don’t know why I don’t keep track of things that only pertain to me on here.  Maybe subconsciously I am afraid of losing and having it written in stone that I failed. They need to see these struggles though. They need to see how effort pays off and the opposite side of that as well, where not putting in one-hundred percent leaves you with results you are not proud of.  I will add this challenge because I want it really bad. I need to prove to myself that goals set can be reached, set backs are setbacks not an ending to something that could be great. I will not give up on at the very least completing the Color Run, Barbara Bush 5K.  That part will be easy because I can’t give up, Garrett couldn’t. If you need motivation to run a 5K, Pick something you are truly passionate about and run. It will be a piece of cake. I am not saying that the training will be no big deal because I struggle with consistency but trained or not I will finish the 5k. I am fully capable of pushing myself, I am just better at it in public at an actual event.  This is the first step in the journey of really believing in myself.  I can’t and won’t let myself down. I need this step to do many things in life that I have huge doubts about. It’s not always easy but you should rely on yourself as a person more than anyone in life. I think that it is why it hurts so badly when others let you down, when you know that you are not strong enough to pick up the pieces by yourself. I want to prove to myself that I, without the support of others and with negative feedback at times can accomplish my dreams. I can do it. If I don’t have someone in my corner I will be there for myself.

Party time!

Birthday party that is. We had the girls party at the rec center, we hired a magician and it was one of the best birthday parties I've been to. It was SO cute listening to the kids giggle. We had around 30 kids show up and it was so stress free. The magician was great with the kids.

This blog post does not do any justice for the amount of awesomeness packed into their party.

Proud of my girls

Tonight I am so proud of my girls. It was a perfect afternoon/night. The girls came home did their homework, played, showers, ate dinner, read Ryleigh's new American Girl Book, practiced cheer, brushed teeth and off to bed. They worked hard tonight. I think the AG book we read helped a lot. It about wanting something and putting in a lot of effort to get there. Although we fit a lot on we were stress free.

I saw another blog where a mom asked her multiples what was the hardest part about being a multiple so I decided to try it with my girls adding in the question, what is the best part about being a multiple.

Ry: Worst, Fighting Best, always having someone to play with Devan: Worst, struggles with being your own person Best: Not having to use a mirror. (that kid)

Today marks 165 days until the Barbara Bush Children's Hospital 5K. I will be running on team Garrett's Crew. This week Garrett ends his cancer treatment. This day seemed impossible a year ago. Go Garrett and family.

A great day all around!

We have had snow like you wouldn't believe lately. LITERALLY, WE ARE GETTING POUNDED.

The girls had their school vacation and then missed several days due to the snow. They went back after a 16 day break.

Ryleigh Girl and Isabelle dressed alike

Reading

We colored a lot on this snow day

We also had uncle Isaac over last weekend for some sledding fun. The girls LOVE Isaac and for now he still thinks hanging out with his nieces and nephews is fun.

 

Warming up after sledding

 

 We have played Fibber A LOT this vacation. So fun. Thanks for the gift Sean and Crystal.

To American Girl Store we go.

The girls have been drooling over the American Girl Store! One of their gifts this year was a trip to MA ( the nearest AG store) Three and a half hours away. We went with their BF Marissy and Jen. The girls and Marissa had matching outfits <3 so cute! 

The store was SO packed that we could hardly move. It was crazy really. It was a big day for AG because the doll of 2014 was revealed today. Her name is Isabelle and she is a dancer. She came with pink highlights in her hair and my Ryleigh Hi fell in love. Obviously, this was the doll she picked. She bought the doll, a ballet outfit for her and a stuffed dog. 

Devan went with Bitty Twins. These dolls are 15 inches where the full sized AG dolls are 18 inches. She picked blonde girl, boy twins and named them Charlie and Zak. Devan picked out an outfit for her doll Emily and a dog named Meatball.

We had lunch afterwords and listened to the girls giggle and laugh. Jen and I had just as much fun as the kids really. Such a great trip :) many memories. Even the little delay on the way home ;) 

Devan and Ryleigh before we left. 

The three girls ready to go! We got asked several times if they were triplets.